A Little Longer

By Anonymous

A darkness crept into your heart. The first time it leaked from your heart into your blood and your once blue veins turned black, you made a choice. A choice to hide what you didn’t want to believe, a choice to internalize what so desperately wanted to be released into the world. And when that darkness crept from your blood and into your fingers, grasping and clawing into the corners of your vision, you chose to protect those around you from the shadows dissolving your lungs. You chose repression. 

Just keep to yourself, it should be simple. Hide from them the way you curl up on the floor after a too-long day. The way your breath becomes shallow and jagged and it takes every ounce of energy you have left to hold such toxicity in your blood, to control the uncontrollable pulse of magic pushing with everything it has to be set free. Hide the crescent-shaped scars on your hands as they become red once more with white knuckles longing to smash the wall. You bite your tongue to keep from screaming. When did it get this bad? When did the aversion to touch and an uncomfortable feeling reminiscent of hunger, become more? More than headaches, more than blurry vision after a long day, more than trembling hands and tense muscles and red-rimmed eyes. When did that become your “okay”? 

But despite all the pain and exhaustion, despite how you barely sleep and are never awake, despite your raw skin and nails bitten to the quick, you would never tell them, never let go of what little control you have. Your inability shouldn’t keep them up at night. But it keeps you up. The shadows under your eyes make you look ghostly. And despite your love for those you chose to protect, who created every moment that made the world glow with joy, that hungry magic tells you they don’t care about you and shouldn’t you just let go? Who cares if a little darkness creeps into their minds and the cracks in the walls? Be free from the pain. But you can’t. And it gets harder every day and sometimes their words are a little too harsh and the once-friendly banter has a razor-sharp edge. Their words push a little too hard, and you snap your answer with everything you’ve been holding back all this time. The darkness tells you they wouldn’t go through this for you. Why do you protect the ones who hurt you? You’re harsher than your usual self now. And everyone is taken aback by your cutting words and cold demeanor, so to protect everyone from your increasing danger and yourself from their betrayed and reproachful looks, you just isolate yourself more and more. It takes all you have to hold yourself together. Just a little longer. A little longer every day.